This morning, I announced to the congregation my resignation from student ministry. I have to admit that for some time I have been a bit preoccupied with dreams of different sorts relating to my near and distant future. I have been somewhat surprised with the feelings of freedom and relief I have experienced as I have progressed through each level of announcing my desires and plans. When I first shared my decisions with Pastor Raymond a couple months ago, I felt hope and excitement, but even more liberated a couple weeks later when we passed the information to the rest of the staff. A couple more weeks went by before it was time to inform the youth ministry leaders, and still more time before announcing to the students first, and finally, the rest of the church. As nervous as I became with each appointment, I have noticed a steady increase in freedom and confidence within myself. Feelings change from day to day, but, even with all the still unanswered questions, I am generally tamed by a peaceful relaxation in knowing I am moving in God's direction. At the same time, I believe this is the biggest challenge I have ever faced in my life.
While I know I am relatively young, I am no stranger to pain. Most recently, both of my living grandparents, with each of whom I was relatively close, passed away within 15 days of one another. I was in my grandfather's room talking to him while he was completely unresponsive just a couple hours before he died - little more than 2 weeks after having stood in the emergency room literally watching my grandmother leave this life. When I was 12 years old, I went to school one morning, greeted by the news that one of my closest friends, Jason Alligood, had taken his own life the night before. I've moved hours away from family and friends of my teenage years, struggled through personal ups and downs within my own family, and even been betrayed thoughtlessly by those I thought were closest to me. I know many others have dealt with these issues and more, and I don't mean to belittle your pain. Maybe time really does alleviate our hurts, or at least the pressure that comes in dealing with them. I guess what I mean to say is that this challenge is of a caliber I have never encountered before.
The one element that makes this decision so difficult for me, is that, to a great extent, it is completely within my control. I have no control over death, or even choices others make. I can't make the sun come through the rain - the emotional winter turn to summer - anymore than anyone else. In this case, though, I have a choice. It is my decision (our decision) to leave another career with promising pay, sell a comfortable house, and do all the other things necessary to go back to school at the age most guys are starting to settle down and spend some money. I feel the "stupid" stares from those who don't understand, and I know I have the power to eliminate them by making a different choice. On the other hand, I can't make that different choice.
I have a problem - I gave my life to God. Romans says the calling of God is irrevocable, so I guess I'm kind of stuck. For me to deny myself of moving in this direction seems impossible to me. I don't really know what it would take to do it even if I wanted to - just like I don't know how I could ever stop loving my wife or start ignoring my son. I'm hesitant to compare myself to anyone great, but I wonder if this is something of what Paul felt when he called himself a "prisoner of Christ." This is a mystery that I dare not claim to be able to tackle yet, but I like it. It's funny how we can come to be so in love with something that takes our very lives from us. Maybe it's because it doesn't really take our lives, but rather, gives them back. We all want to live, but we can't really live unless we know our lives are valuable enough that our deaths would matter. At the beginning of season six of the show 24, Jack Bauer says the thing that kept him alive during two years of torture at the hand of the Chinese consulate is that he didn't want to die for nothing. Neither do I. As has been said before, unless something is worth dying for, it's not worth living for. The good news is, we have a reason to live and die, because He considered us worth dying for first. He lived to die, so we could die to live.
"Oh, the wonderful cross, bids me come and die, and find that I may truly live."
Each of us has a calling that is unique to us. If you haven't already, I hope you will join me in dying to live.
While I know I am relatively young, I am no stranger to pain. Most recently, both of my living grandparents, with each of whom I was relatively close, passed away within 15 days of one another. I was in my grandfather's room talking to him while he was completely unresponsive just a couple hours before he died - little more than 2 weeks after having stood in the emergency room literally watching my grandmother leave this life. When I was 12 years old, I went to school one morning, greeted by the news that one of my closest friends, Jason Alligood, had taken his own life the night before. I've moved hours away from family and friends of my teenage years, struggled through personal ups and downs within my own family, and even been betrayed thoughtlessly by those I thought were closest to me. I know many others have dealt with these issues and more, and I don't mean to belittle your pain. Maybe time really does alleviate our hurts, or at least the pressure that comes in dealing with them. I guess what I mean to say is that this challenge is of a caliber I have never encountered before.
The one element that makes this decision so difficult for me, is that, to a great extent, it is completely within my control. I have no control over death, or even choices others make. I can't make the sun come through the rain - the emotional winter turn to summer - anymore than anyone else. In this case, though, I have a choice. It is my decision (our decision) to leave another career with promising pay, sell a comfortable house, and do all the other things necessary to go back to school at the age most guys are starting to settle down and spend some money. I feel the "stupid" stares from those who don't understand, and I know I have the power to eliminate them by making a different choice. On the other hand, I can't make that different choice.
I have a problem - I gave my life to God. Romans says the calling of God is irrevocable, so I guess I'm kind of stuck. For me to deny myself of moving in this direction seems impossible to me. I don't really know what it would take to do it even if I wanted to - just like I don't know how I could ever stop loving my wife or start ignoring my son. I'm hesitant to compare myself to anyone great, but I wonder if this is something of what Paul felt when he called himself a "prisoner of Christ." This is a mystery that I dare not claim to be able to tackle yet, but I like it. It's funny how we can come to be so in love with something that takes our very lives from us. Maybe it's because it doesn't really take our lives, but rather, gives them back. We all want to live, but we can't really live unless we know our lives are valuable enough that our deaths would matter. At the beginning of season six of the show 24, Jack Bauer says the thing that kept him alive during two years of torture at the hand of the Chinese consulate is that he didn't want to die for nothing. Neither do I. As has been said before, unless something is worth dying for, it's not worth living for. The good news is, we have a reason to live and die, because He considered us worth dying for first. He lived to die, so we could die to live.
"Oh, the wonderful cross, bids me come and die, and find that I may truly live."
Each of us has a calling that is unique to us. If you haven't already, I hope you will join me in dying to live.
posted by Jonathan Branch at 5:19 PM
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